Back From Vacation, Back to Writing

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. For awhile there I was working a ton but this week my hours have gone back to normal. In the one hand I’ll miss all of the extra pay the company I work for was giving us, but in the other hand, I’m glad to not be killing myself working from five a.m. until 2 p.m. Monday through Friday.

The family and I went on vacation last week, all the way to Florida to visit my parents. It was a much needed vacation although I don’t know how much I rested, we were on the go, school clothes shopping for the kids, seeing the sights. We were all careful to social distance as much as we could, Florida this time of the year is just crowded though. The trip went better than I thought it would.

I tried to write my thoughts about how the trip was going as the trip was going, but the words were hard to find, I had a hard time deciding how I felt about the trip, about my mother and our relationship. I run hot and cold with her, more often cold than not. I hope this time I can remember what it was like while we were on vacation, how easily loving her came to me, how unafraid I was.

There was one night where I broke down crying to my Significant Other, where I told him I just wanted to be a good person, that I didn’t want to feel any animosity towards her, that I just wanted to be able to be nice. I tried really hard this time. She seemed so old and worn down. She seemed so tiny and tired. I feel tiny and tired.

At work they’ve mandated wearing masks to protect ourselves and customers from Covid-19. It doesn’t really bother me that this is a new norm for us. The numbers in the town I live in keep going up as more test results come back. It’s a scary reality but most people here have recovered fairly nicely. I think there have only been a handful of deaths and that was in the beginning, much older people who had health complications. I’m thankful for my health and the health of my family. Covid-19 makes me feel tiny.

There’s so much going on in the world right now, racial injustice that’s affecting everyone whether we want to admit it or not, whether we realize it or not, a respiratory disease that’s killing some people and affecting many more. History is being made and its overwhelming, especially if you already live with anxiety. I’m overwhelmed. I’m tired. I’m going to keep writing about it because writing helps me to feel better, helps me to make sense of life. I hope you’re making sense of life right now too.

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